Monday, May 13, 2013

Letter to Friend Upon the Arrival of Her 7th Baby

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Dear Friend,  (She knows who she is.  I don't want to publish revealing info.)

When I heard that your little Amy (who is very beautiful by the way) was not so little—16 lbs and 7 oz—I gasped in horror!  That’s a rather sizeable offspring, which I’m sure you fully realize.  Being the unfeeling friend that I am, I immediately started shooting out quite a few “big baby” comments, some of which, I am ashamed to admit, weren't the most tasteful.  My favorite among them, if you’re curious, were the ones referring to her ability to mow the law upon her arrival home from the hospital. 
          Did she really think that you were going to be willing to raise her in-utero? 
          As these unworthy thoughts entered my head, I realized that I was risking our friendship by sharing them with you.  Remember in college when I offended you by saying that baldies are clearly superior to hairy babies?  (I stand by that, by the way, as all of my children were clearly superior until they were at least two years old—overachievers.)  
Does this baby have hair?  She was wearing a cute little cap and nothing else in the picture I saw.  (Scandalous.)
View IMG_2291.jpeg in slide show
The real Amy

Anyway, I have repented, and I no longer have any latent “big baby” comments in my entire being.  

Also, I have since noticed that she may have only been 10lbs and 7oz.  Whew!  That is a big difference.  I’m happy for you.  And very, very, proud of you.  Especially since I know that you usually have your babies without the assistance of any drugs.

For this reason, and also because I have eliminated myself on at least 11 different fronts this year, I am humbly conceding the “Mother of the Year Award” to you.  It should have come with a gold star for your forehead, but I can’t find them.  Also, I have a feeling that your toddler would have just tried to eat it, thus eliminating you for the award. 
I know that you had contemplated allowing Amy to stay securely in your womb, and you’re probably feeling a little guilty at this point, so I’m writing to reinforce your decision to force her out, and congratulate you on a choice well made. 

1.  Babies smell like Heaven, and are easier to inhale when in your arms.
2.  Baby hair is soft and feels the best when it’s on your cheek.
3.  Sometimes it’s easier to bend over when no one is blocking your bender.
4.  Little girlies are fun to dress, and it’s easier this way.
5.  When she has the hiccups, you don’t have to have them, too.
6.  Children make better decisions when they can act on their own.
          (Or so I’ve heard.)
Well, that’s all.  I wish I could deliver this myself and sniff your little angel’s head.  I would bring you some dinner and maybe pick up some stuff before I left.  (My family reading this over my shoulder is snorting now and I can hear little comments like, “Sure, who’s gonna cook US dinner or clean OUR house?”  Go away, folks.) 
I miss you and have been a lot whiney lately.  Wish we were living a little closer to each other.  I’m honestly very jealous that you have piece of Heaven in your home right now, but I don’t envy you the post-partum stuff.  Hope you rebound quickly and get some sleep again some day.
I love you!  You are such an awesome instrument in the Lord’s hands, bringing His precious little spirits into the world to a home where they are wanted and loved and safe and taught the Gospel.
Go!  Fight!  Win!  When you get a second, I’d like to see some pictures.  (Maybe graduation.)

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