| Clip art |
Dear Friend, (She knows who she is. I don't want to publish revealing info.)
When I heard that your little Amy (who is
very beautiful by the way) was not so little—16 lbs and 7 oz—I gasped in
horror! That’s a rather sizeable
offspring, which I’m sure you fully realize.
Being the unfeeling friend that I am, I immediately started shooting out
quite a few “big baby” comments, some of which, I am ashamed to admit, weren't the most tasteful. My favorite among
them, if you’re curious, were the ones referring to her ability to mow the law
upon her arrival home from the hospital.
Did she really think that you were
going to be willing to raise her in-utero?
As these unworthy thoughts entered my
head, I realized that I was risking our friendship by sharing them with
you. Remember in college when I offended
you by saying that baldies are clearly superior to hairy babies? (I stand by that, by the way, as all of my
children were clearly superior until they were at least two years
old—overachievers.)
Does this baby have
hair? She was wearing a cute little cap
and nothing else in the picture I saw.
(Scandalous.)
| The real Amy |
Anyway, I have repented, and I no
longer have any latent “big baby” comments in my entire being.
Also, I have since noticed that she may have
only been 10lbs and 7oz. Whew! That is a big difference. I’m happy for you. And very, very, proud of you. Especially since I know that you usually have your babies without the assistance of any drugs.
For this reason, and also because I have
eliminated myself on at least 11 different fronts this year, I am humbly
conceding the “Mother of the Year Award” to you. It should have come with a gold star for your
forehead, but I can’t find them. Also, I
have a feeling that your toddler would have just tried to eat it, thus
eliminating you for the award.
I know that you had contemplated
allowing Amy to stay securely in your womb, and you’re probably feeling a little
guilty at this point, so I’m writing to reinforce your decision to force her
out, and congratulate you on a choice well made.
1. Babies smell like Heaven, and are easier to
inhale when in your arms.
2. Baby hair is soft and feels the best when it’s
on your cheek.
3. Sometimes it’s easier to bend over when no
one is blocking your bender.
4. Little girlies are fun to dress, and it’s
easier this way.
5. When she has the hiccups, you don’t have to
have them, too.
6. Children make better decisions when they can
act on their own.
(Or so I’ve heard.)
Well, that’s all. I wish I could deliver this myself and sniff
your little angel’s head. I would bring
you some dinner and maybe pick up some stuff before I left. (My family reading this over my shoulder is
snorting now and I can hear little comments like, “Sure, who’s gonna cook US
I miss you and have been a lot
whiney lately. Wish we were living a
little closer to each other. I’m
honestly very jealous that you have piece of Heaven in your home right now, but
I don’t envy you the post-partum stuff.
Hope you rebound quickly and get some sleep again some day.
I love you!
You are such an awesome instrument in the Lord’s hands, bringing His
precious little spirits into the world to a home where they are wanted and
loved and safe and taught the Gospel.
Go!
Fight! Win! When you get a second, I’d like to see some
pictures. (Maybe graduation.)
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