Last night, I lay pondering the post I made yesterday, and Kristen's article.
I thought about Mr. Cool, and the year we've had together. I couldn't believe the range of emotions that he has provoked just this year alone. I've been more frustrated than I ever thought possible, and yet more amazed and inspired by his wisdom and maturity. I've been richly rewarded by his actions, and have also encountered huge anxieties for him. Heaven has never been closer as I've hit my knees in his behalf. I'm honored to be his mother, and hope I can keep my cool so that he can live another day. (Kidding--about the live another day thing. Mostly.)
Then I took each child in my mind's-eye and had the same year-end review. I'm amazed at the progress they have each made, and overwhelmed by my concerns and hopes and love for them. How can I hold all of these people in my heart? It threatened to burst and I had to quickly give them all back to God and just trust that He will use me as his instrument in their behalf.
It's painful to me that each one of them has choices and could choose unwisely and experience harsh consequences. And yet I can't take this away from them, and wouldn't even if I had that kind of power, because I would also take away their growth and joy. I have to trust the Lord to help me to teach them and then trust them to choose wisely and then just be so very grateful that the Savior bridged the gap for all of our imperfections.
I've also gotta stop having these little thoughts at night because I get so worked up that I can't relax and go to sleep. This Motherhood thing is not very conducive to a well-rested existence! (Everyone slept through the night last night--when has that happened last!?!--and instead of sleeping I was winding myself up with these thoughts. Sheesh!)
(Also, it's a good thing Mr. Cool is at school and not following me around today with a video camera, as all I have done thus far is sit in the chair and 'play' on the computer!)