A New Approach

I mentioned in the previous post that Grandma was pretty inspired about the tantrum situation. With Little P's permission, here is the new paradigm.

Little P is in charge of her tantrums from now on.  We understand that she gets pretty worn out after one of her performances, (she's not the only one) and that she hates being restrained, teased, and bossed.  She is a very spunky, independent little person, and has a great need for control.  We love her and want her to be safe, and want others to be safe in our home.  Everyone in our home must obey the rules, and must do his or her part to keep our home a safe place.

So, we presented those thoughts to her, and SHE created some "Tantrum Rules":  (with a bit of guidance)

1.  When she needs to throw a tantrum, she gets to go into my bedroom.  Everyone else has to leave.  She can lock the door, but no one else can lock her in.  (This is her "Safe Spot" or "Happy Place")  We are allowed to remind her of the rules, and guide her to the bedroom.

(Little P and I have talked before about the different steps that lead up to a tantrum, and sometimes if I alert her to the build up, she can re-direct herself and prevent a breakdown.  I will still help her with this, the ultimate goal of permanent elimination.)

2.  Everyone has to leave her alone.  No touching, teasing, or restraining.  Little P promises that she will not hurt anyone, including herself, and will not destroy anything or make any messes.  (One exception.  #3)

3.  In my room, there will be a special box, just for her.  It will contain a healthy snack, a cup, and some paper.  She can watch TV, eat the snack, get a drink, use the master bathroom, and either write on the paper, shred it, or crumple and throw it.  She has agreed to clean up the paper mess when she is finished.

I regret to add that the motivation level for the other kids to goad her into a tantrum will be significantly lower if they know that she will be able to enjoy some privacy, a special snack, and possibly some great monetary benefits from the tantrum.  (Sigh.  Every single one of them is still a heathen at some level. ;)     )

4.  She will not come out until she is completely DONE and happy again.  (I tried to talk her into the idea of setting a timer, but she insists that she has an internal timer that will tell her when to be done.)  We will not discuss anything or even interact with her while she is upset.

(She is totally unreasonable and demanding, and I also believe that our total disconnect with the situation will shorten and perhaps even help phase it out entirely.  Right now her behavior is nearly impossible to ignore, but if she is the one removing herself from the situation, and it is seen as desirable to her to be alone until she is in control again, then she will have ownership of her emotions, and we will suffer a lot less.)

I will make myself available when she is calm and rational to discuss her feelings with her, and to help her resolve any conflicts that were the source of the upset.  I will also provide her with a lot of positive feedback and help her to see what a great job she did.  She will have the control and attention she craves, and it will be channeled in a positive way.

5.  We will keep her little issue private, and not talk about it with friends or anyone other than immediate family--she did tell me that I could blog about it this one time--this includes being loyal to her and never ridiculing her.

6.  If anyone forgets, and messes with her when she is upset, that person will owe her $1.  (This was her idea, but it is a great motivator for the other kids to leave her alone.  It also added another dimension of control for her.)

I think that Little P feels pretty frustrated sometimes, and the only way she feels that she can express that frustration is by throwing a fit.  She gets a lot of attention from this, and does seem to get to a "Point of No Return" where she is completely unreasonable and out of control.  This has been going on since she was 18 months old, and is traumatic for everyone.  (Many times poor diet, low iron, and fatigue are catalysts, but I don't think that these are the source.  She just has too much control over when and how she stops, and there is not enough rhyme or reason, otherwise.  Her tantrums rarely wind down, they usually stop on a dime with a complete mood change.)

We worry for her safety, and for those around her, too.  We have to find a solution before she gets any older.  She has been getting more extreme, but they are happening less and less.

I REALLY feel that this will be the answer, as she is old enough now to express her emotions, to reason and to keep commitments.   When we presented the idea, the other kids, of course, asked the inevitable, "What if she doesn't keep her end of he bargain?"

She promised that she would, and I wouldn't go there with the discussion.  I just answered, "She will."

We also clarified that there is a big difference between crying because of pain, or being angry for a minute.  A tantrum is way more intense and lengthy.

If she breaks the rules, we will ignore it unless it is an extreme safety issue--then we'll stop her.  If it's just a minor violation, I will wait until she is calm later, and then we will come up with a consequence together, and try again next time.

I honestly think that she hates this problem as much as we do, and will really work to overcome it.  The main emphasis is a change of thinking for the entire family.  Little P is in charge of her tantrums.  No one else gets to have any power--she can handle it.  Everyone else's job is to just leave her alone.

7.  If she goes a week with no tantrums, then she gets to go on a little outing--Sonic for happy hour or some kind of small reward.
After one month of no tantrums, she will get to go somewhere fun that she chooses, like Seven Peaks or Trafalga, etc...
Then maybe a Quarterly, 6-month, then yearly award.  Hopefully, by then it will just be extinguished and we can move on to another crisis.  Rest assured, there will be one.  Such is life.

P is for Post-Pageant Performance and Poor Parenting

Last night we took the kids to Manti, UT to see the Mormon Miracle Pageant.


It's a big re-enactment staged on the hillside of the totally beautiful LDS Manti temple.  The sky was crisp and clear and just glittered--we kept seeing falling stars.  The weather was perfect.

The show was a little corny in some places, but pretty powerful in others, and overall worth it.  When they quoted the scripture James 1:5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him, "  little K looked up at me with big, earnest eyes and said, "Mommy, I lack wisdom!"  
My heart was so touched!  "Oh, me too!"  I answered.  "I'm so glad we can always pray for help!"  

Then she asked in a whisper, "Is that a naughty word?  Lack wisdom?"  Which made me think that the Lord was speaking to me through her, and then she didn't understand what she even said. 

Little Caboose was a total ding-bat.  She was bouncing around, and wouldn't let anyone hold her.  Nothing like a sugared-up toddler with a second wind at an outdoor program.

At one point, the show portrayed the Savior's visit to the people living in the Americas after His resurrection.  The Spirit was so strong, and Caboose climbed up on my lap and started whispering about Jesus and clapping her hands.  Little children are so close to Heaven.

Like so many other truths, this is also tempered with a little controversy, as later demonstrated on the ride home a couple of hours later.  (Think 11 passengers in a van, at midnight.  We took my brother and his wife with us, so it was a little crowded.  Luckily Mr. Cool was able to catch a ride home with a friend that we bumped into.  He was the only one to enjoy any peace on the road.)

About the time we were finally able to leave the parking-lot-we-call-Manti, the two littlest criers had settled down and were finally asleep.  Cue Little P.  She had been on the brink of a tantrum for the better part of the day, and I'm sure my brother and his wife thought that we were spoiling her to death as we catered to her every whim on the way to the show.  What they didn't know, but would soon experience, was that sometimes whatever it takes to hold the storm at bay is more than worth it to pacify the demon.  

Anyway, Little P, which for all intents and purposes could stand for "Piercing" decided to wake up and demand that we throw 'Lil Mama out of the van, so she (Little P) could stretch out.  As we deemed that a little unreasonable...let's just skip some of the agonizing details and get to the part where she had been tantruming for about an hour or more.  Most of the ride we had to restrain her.   As we pulled into the driveway, she decided that she was going to drive herself back to where we started so that she could do the trip the right way.

When we wouldn't hand over the keys, she locked herself into the van and started honking the horn.  It was 2:00 am.  We dragged her into the house, kicking and screaming.

We decided to see if a little healthy food would help  her to calm down.  She wasn't about to try anything we suggested, but kept asking for things like candy and ice cream.  NO WAY!  Then she tried to ask for hot cocoa, but it came out, "I want some hot coffee!"

We all just looked at her.  She stopped, grinned, and then added, "And a cigarette, please."

That was the end of the tantrum.  She always stops on a dime and switches moods, but never if we're trying to distract her.  No winding down, no residual gasps or hiccups.  Stinker.

Then she pretty much skipped off to bed, leaving me to stew the rest of the night about my lack of parenting skills.

(My inspired Mother gave me some really good ideas to try, and I think she has hit on the answer to this whole tantrum situation.  Please don't flood me with helpful ideas.  If it works, I'll write about it. If this new strategy doesn't work, then I'll issue a call for assistance.  I'm too emotionally fragile to deal with anything but step 1 right now.)  And, yes, I've been praying for humility...why else would this be going on?  Sheesh!

If nothing else, this motherhood thing gives me chance after chance to develop patience and humility.  I should be picking up some of these virtues any minute, now.  Wait for it, wait for it...nope.

One more irony--I just read, "Heaven is Here" by Stephanie Nielson.  Absolutely beautiful book about a mom who was severely burned in a plane crash.  I highly recommend it.  Anyway, she related an incident when one of her girls asked her to help her button a shirt, and she couldn't do it.  It was a painful part to read and made me appreciate the simple things that I take for granted every day.

At the pageant, I noticed that Little P's shirt buttons were undone in the back, and I lovingly buttoned them for her and thanked God that I could, and for all that I was able to do with and for my little ones each day.  I was so thankful to be with them, and honored to serve as a mother.

Just before Little P went to bed, she stomped out angrily and cussed me out for buttoning her shirt, as it had gotten caught on her head as she tried to yank it off.  Afraid that she was about to launch into another full-fledged tantrum, I told her I was sorry, and asked her what she wanted me to do about it, as she was now in her PJs.  I was banished from the house at 2:30 am by a snotty 6 year-old for buttoning with my functional hands.

I've never been happier to take a time-out on the porch swing.  I'm still thankful that my hands can button, though I'll think twice before I use them for that purpose again.

I'm also glad to know that the Lord isn't through with any of us, yet.  I'm a work in progress...or a piece of work...whatever.

The Quest for Barbie Continues with Dressmaking

I love the gospel (good news) of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  This is a huge blessing to me personally and to many others.  It's my whole life!  I love the Savior!

But, there's also the church culture,  which emerges from living in a fishbowl of Mormons, which is my reality now.  (I currently belong to the "Psychotic Mommy" subgroup, but I'm right on the cusp of the "Molly Mormons" and ultimately aspire for the "Polly Perfects" or even the unobtainable "Barbies")In my efforts to fit in, I have made a "Bucket List" of sorts, and now have one more item to check off.


1.  Take Cheerios to church in a Tupperware container    

2.  Place my hand on my chest and wave the tears away as I get emotional in church   

3.  Clean my house         (It happened once, I swear!)

4.  Bear a ghastly amount of children.  

5.  Produce an Eagle Scout.   (In a few years, my second Eagle will bump me up a level for sure!)

6.  Bake bread, can fruit, and freeze pre-cooked hamburger for easy casserole making.

7. Do family history research. 

8.  Service projects.  (To tell the full truth, though, Brother and Sister Obama and Brother Clinton weren't in on the ones I've done.  This is just a random internet picture.  I think that Sister Clinton was in the kitchen serving jello when this picture was taken, which leads us to...)



9.  Prepare green jello with shredded carrots and serve at a pot-luck.   I can't.  I just have to draw the line somewhere.  I am known for my jello skills, however, and I have also participated in many a pot-luck, so I get 1/2 credit.

10.  Funeral potatoes.  Yeah, baby!    (Sadly, THREE versions of this recipe landed in the family cookbook.  One submitted by yours truly.)










11.  Buy a huge vehicle. Just in case; we own both a minivan and a 12-passenger jobber.  Probably that was overkill--but we do all fit in the beluga, and that is a good thing.

 (I don't have the little family decals on the backs of them yet.  We're saving for them.  I won't qualify for Barbie until then, if ever.)
And finally: yeeuh, da, da, DAAA!!!   THIS YEAR FOR MY CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT, I SEWED MATCHING DRESSES FOR MY GIRLS.
I know, I can hardly wrap my brain around it myself.  What a woman!  Unbelievable.

Next I'll need some vinyl lettering on my walls.

Finally, if I can just learn to tease my hair; and once I have my little "frontal enhancement" surgery, I should be as hard to spot as Waldo if I happen to find myself in a scary part of town.  If you can't beat-em, join-em!  (Plus, I already belong.  I really do love it here.)

 Luckily we didn't end up in what my friend calls a "Shiny-pretty ward."  This congregation shares burdens, serves lovingly, and no one needs to be perfect.  Rumor has it that there are select areas here where you have to be a Stepford wife or you'll be pecked to death in a matter of minutes.  I haven't seen it, though.  But I'm ready for it...kinda.   Maybe if I buy some lycra and loose about 75 lbs.

**The creators of this blog site apologize if anyone was offended by any of the comments above.  Nellie and it's subsidiary groups are in no way affiliated with Barbie Wannabees Anonymous.  Sorry about the indelicate mention of the boob-job thing.   There do seem to be a lot of billboards advertising this service in the Salt Lake area, however, and I've read that Utah is the #1 state for plastic surgery.  I'm just saying.**

She who is without sin should cast the first stone.  Did I mention that I sewed my girls some matching dresses?  Wow.