My sweet little Mayli has been really struggling with depression on her mission, and they've just diagnosed her with hypothyroidism. Her diagnosis has sealed the deal; she
has to come home, as the medicine for this is not available in her area of the Philippines. This is a huge relief to me, as she seems to have hit a breaking point and is still trudging faithfully along. I've really worried about her safety.
Her mission blog post this week has the same title as this one, and she has gained some insights from her new companion (who's struggling with health problems, too) who often says, "The Lord wants me to rest, now" when she isn't feeling well and needs to stop and rest a while. Such amazing wisdom.
The Lord wants me to rest.
I've been exhausted. For a really long time. I haven't recovered from my surgery last October. My plantar fasciitis and heel spurs on my left foot ache quite a bit. I often feel that I've got a migraine hovering over me. And I sometimes have a rough time settling my brain at night. I have legitimate worries about my children.
When I pray about it, the Lord puts the same words in my mind, over and over. "When you're fully rested, your foot will be healed."
I have to be honest, I've been sleeping a lot. And when I get enough sleep, sure enough, my heel stops hurting. So then I push myself to exercise or get stuff done around the house, and I overdo it, and then it hurts again. Slow learner.
The Lord wants me to rest.
I've been feeling guilty for sleeping, but the Lord keeps telling me that it's a time to rest. Logically I feel that I shouldn't be setting this example of sloth, but then the Spirit whispers, "not sloth, rest." I don't want my kids to remember me as the lazy Mom in bed all the time. But I'm not lazy, I'm exhausted. My body is a blessing, and I need to take care of it. I've pushed it to the limit for a really long time, and it needs a break. When I'm well rested, I have more wisdom and patience. I'm a better mother, my head is clear.
So Mayli's sweet e-mail reminded me the lesson the Lord has been trying to hammer into my skull. Sometimes the Lord wants us to rest. Times and seasons.
One more thought. A few years ago, I had a dream. The only person I told about it was my mother, and I'm really glad that I did, because I don't think I wrote it down, and I forgot about it until she reminded me of if a couple of weeks ago.
I dreamed that Mayli was receiving a Patriarchal blessing. As the Patriarch spoke of things to come, worldly troubles and personal ones, he stopped and said, "And if things get too hard for you, you can come home."
Sometimes the Lord uses dreams to help me remember that I need to be willing to align myself with His will. I thought the dream was telling me that at some point in Mayli's life the world would become too evil, or that her situation would be too much for her and she would be released and taken home to Him. She was His first, and is just on loan to me. The dream helped me to get my priorities a little straighter, and to feel grateful again that families are forever, and that no matter what, I'll be with her again.
I shared my dream with Mayli's mission president's wife as we sent short instant messages back and forth--my mom reminded me of it, and said that maybe the dream had a different meaning than I originally gave it. Maybe it meant that Mayli needed to know that coming home would be a totally acceptable option to the Lord. I urged her (the mission president's wife) to make coming home an option, so that Mayli would know that she had a lot of choices. I've found that when someone is severely depressed AND feels that there are no options left, that's when suicide becomes the only option that they can see.
Keeping commitments, being obedient, working hard, going the extra mile: these are really important virtues.
But sometimes the Lord wants us to rest.
